Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
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Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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