Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
