Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
