Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
