My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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