I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
