Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
