I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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