This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
