I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
