If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
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I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
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I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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