Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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