i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I believe in your delicious
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
