My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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