Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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