first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
