We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
