The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
