just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You can't motorboat a personality
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
