I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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