life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
