you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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