i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
