So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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