You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
