I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
