Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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