I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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