I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
