that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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