I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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