If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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