I accidentally burped into my bong.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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