My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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