so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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