Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So vagazzling was a success
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
