Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
how drunk are you?
Several
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
