If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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