you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Randomize
