I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
