i was rollin on her like bob the builder
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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