i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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