Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
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The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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