just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
