fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
