It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
