Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So vagazzling was a success
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
