if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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