It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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