I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
