I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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