god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
