I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
