Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
